An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
This is a sub tweet
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin