I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator