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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.