I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.