Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.