Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
why isn’t he texting back
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
dutch so unserious
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.