If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
That’s easy for you to say
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.