As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh