But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”