I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?