The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?