If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.