I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Seek kebab; not attention
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Before & after 😅
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”