Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.