My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob