Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.


Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.


[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now


The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.


I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.


The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.


Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.


The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.