@nutsaremixed

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

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@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

@Reverend_Scott

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

@noog

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

@LostCatDog

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

@Havish_AF

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.