Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My biological clock is wheezing.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine