astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
you gotta be faster
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“i miss shittin on people”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you