There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
You Might Also Like
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
“What movie?” 🤔