*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
mentally somewhere in italy
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”