Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.