Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”