I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what