I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.