The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.