Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Two types of dogs.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.