Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
#Caturday
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle