MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
You Might Also Like
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
thanksgiving in nutshell
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me