I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You Might Also Like
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Siri: Retweet me.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what