NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.