@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

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@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

@_wangwe

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

@trishimal25

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

@DadSetAgainst

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.