The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.