The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Autocorrect completely socks
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat