Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.