The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love