[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.