Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
This sounds bad:
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.