If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.