me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
You Might Also Like
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.