@DirtMcTurd Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
@English_Channel me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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@DirtMcTurd 
@realslimsavyy 
@QueenVofCoffee Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
@robdelaney The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
@cowboyjeffkent Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
@honeybadgerMel Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
@DaddyJew Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
@victoria_birth If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
@AllyBallyBeal Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
@KentWGraham My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.