ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Stop sending me this shit.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know