Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
You Might Also Like
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.