Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
How to properly lift a body
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.