COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My brain is a bad influence on me
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary