@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

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@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@RobinSage76

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!