Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?