Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.