My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
You Might Also Like
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds