ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.