It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I love wikipedia
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any