@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

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@AddledPixie

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

@kelkulus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

@slimmy_shady

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?