It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

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Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.


Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.


My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?


{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.


I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.


7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?