@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

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@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@LarrysTwin99

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

@wildethingy

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

@aprilinkc

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?