It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen


Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.


….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.


Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?


You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”


Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.


My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?


Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.


Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?