It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*