Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.