boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Great Canadian literature.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch