Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
u spoke cat all this time??????
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire