*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.