I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors