@LifePitts

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

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@maulifuff

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

@PhilLaysheO

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

@mk_lobb

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

@Kryzazy

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

@Tenac1ousGrace

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@kimtopher22

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.