Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

the answer was staring at me all along

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla