One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up