Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours