I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.